Saying he’s being dragged through the mud over his affairs by America’s hypocritical public and media, Tiger Woods has submitted a request for “extra-marital asylum in France. Or, rather, Layla Demay has on his behalf, writing for Slate’s French arm. “While in my country one of our presidents underwent an impeachment process for having an affair with an intern, France allowed its president to have a wife, a mistress and an illegitimate child,” Woods might plead, referencing François Mitterrand, “living in tranquility without a single a drop of ink expanded by the media to talk about it.”
“I know that in France, my sexual practices will be protected by the discretion and reserve of which your marvelous journalists are proof,” the application continues. “When I want to indulge in sex with multiple partners, I will go to the legendary Paris swingers’ club, Les Chandelles, where I can participate in orgies with comfort and intimacy, just like a large number of French celebrities, without fearing that my noble quarters will be exposed in the celebrity press. I know that in France, these are fundamental rights.”
(More Tiger Woods stories.)
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